The following is a very deep and personal look into my testimony and why I believe what I do when it comes to sexual identity issues... This letter was written to a friend of mine who asked why it is that I view my struggle with bisexuality as a "stronghold," rather than just embracing it as a part of my life and going with the flow.


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Sorry, for not replying sooner. It has been quite some time since I've logged in on here, and only got this message a few days ago but have been pretty busy with things (being the end of the year and mother's day etc)...

And this question is not too personal at all. I wouldn't post it if it were something I minded talking about. Just a warning, this is a very complicated issue with many, many, many angles to which to approach it, and because of that, I probably will be addressing multiple issues all within the same lines of thought at a time. So, just know that there may be parts of this that aren't very clear.

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Well, to answer your questions as fully as I can, you have to know a little more about me and where I have been in my past, as well as what it is that I believe.

I was very young when I started to realize that I had this tendency to like men. It goes back to the age of five for me... a relatively young age for anyone to start thinking about their sexuality in my opinion, but it was a particularly traumatic time in my life where my parents divorced and my father walked out on our family. This also is a critical age for children to grow their relationships with their parents, which greatly influences their moral system and how they develop identity roles.

There are many theories as to why people turn out they way they do, and while many people believe (specifically the Christian subculture) that people choose (100% of the time) to engage in the lifestyle. For instance that they are all straight and then randomly one day wake up wanting to be gay, but the truth is that not everyone chooses to have the tendency / natural bent toward it. Though, I agree that the choice does come with wither or not the person fallows through with their feelings / convictions or not.

For many, like in my situation, I believe the bent was created through the rejection of men in my life. Though I do not remember when the actual thought process came into play... I wanted to know that I could be valued and accepted, loved by men, and the easiest way to do that is through physicality. If they physically abused me it seemed appropriate to communicate my emotions on a physical level too.

Unfortunately, on an emotional level, I have a very hard time connecting and letting men into my world because I don't trust them, but I, more in the past than now, attribute pain to be the cause for my attraction to men. Women are the opposite. Emotionally, it takes no effort to connect with them, but I have a hard time being physically involved with them.

Anyways, another huge component to the issue, at least in my case (and I believe to be in many men's cases period), is pornography. Up until recent years, all pornography was geared for and by men. Obviously the women are generally what men are lusting over, but it is not without company of men. For many probably don't think about it much, but not only are you taking in the imagery of the female, but the male as well. My father was the one who introduced me to pornography, and while originally there were no men, men got introduced as I became more and more addicted (just like any gateway drug). The need for women quickly became boring and / or didn't interest me as much, because I had love from them. I either needed to see men and women together or just men, because I was seeking acceptance from them and had very few of them in my life.

It didn't take very long of doing my own searching to find that the act of just men wasn't enough, but that it interested me to see men involved with other men because I was a male seeking love from men.

While each of these, rejection of men and the introduction of pornography, had major influences on the outlook I had with men, but the most fundamental root, rejection, was still the main culprit.

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Secondly, I am a person of faith, who believes that Jesus Christ is the one and only way through whom one may receive salvation. I believe that the Bible is the inherent, God-breathed, special revelation that God gave us, so that we may have a chance to commune with him in a relationship within the Godhead. I will be the first to admit that I have an incredibly hard time following even the most basic of commands that God has instilled for his people. But I whole-heartedly believe that as a follower of Jesus Christ, that I have been called to live by a much higher standard, so that others may to believe and see the power that is within the blood of Jesus Christ.

Many believe that the Bible has nothing to say about homosexuality, or really anything about living a pure lifestyle that holy and pleasing before God. And I have no idea as where that kind of thinking comes from… especially since purity is one the most common subjects talked about.

Matthew 5:8 - “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.”

There are two major passages that come to mind in scripture that specifically deal with sexual purity and mentions homosexual activity. The first is in Leviticus chapter 18, which specifically deals with the rules and regulations that God set for his people concerning sexual relations. Now at this point in time, God had just freed the Israelites from their slavery in Egypt, using Moses and Aaron. As you probably know, Egyptian society was plagued with pagan worship and false gods. The Israelites had been enslaved long enough to have adopted pagan practices into their own culture. The problem with this is that God desires to be worshipped alone, and once the people were free from Egypt they made idols, like Baal (the cow god), to worship rather than praise Jehovah God, the one true LORD for their rescue. It was at this time that God gave Moses the Ten Commandments and all the regulations that his people are to live by as a holy people. It is in this section that this rule is found.

There is an introduction from verses 1 through 5.
Verses 6 through 20 deals with how sexual relations are to be dealt within families.
Verse 21 specifically singles out the Egyptian practice of sacrificing children to Molech.
Leviticus 18:22 - “Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable.”
While verse 23 follows up with the perversions of having sexual relations with animals.
Verses 24 through 30 make the conclusion, which states: “Do not defile yourselves in any of these ways, because this is how the nations that I am going to drive out before you became defiled. Even the land was defiled; so I punished it for its sin, and the land vomited out its inhabitants. But you must keep my decrees and my laws. The native-born and the aliens living among you must not do any of these detestable things, for all these things were done by the people who lived in the land before you, and the land became defiled. And if you defile the land, it will vomit you out as it vomited out the nations that were before you.

"'Everyone who does any of these detestable things—such persons must be cut off from their people. Keep my requirements and do not follow any of the detestable customs that were practiced before you came and do not defile yourselves with them. I am the LORD your God.’”

Many people argue that this verses context is only applied to the specific time and culture… but I disagree. The Bible as a whole has practical applications for today, the right here and now. The Bible is very clear that sexual relations is ONLY for those who are married, and that marriage is between one man and one woman. Everything else outside of that covenant is detestable, and un-holy, and though our culture is completely trying to re-write that, you can be sure that God will not stand for this type of defiance. This is one reason why I don’t support the practice regardless of it being practice within marriage or not.

The second passage that specifically talks about this type of behavior and the devastating effects it has on people is in Romans 1. Now while this passage does talk about homosexuality, it is true that there is more being said here than just, homosexuality is wrong and unpleasing to God. But it actually speaks a whole lot more about the human condition of total depravity, and how man is constantly exchanging his relationship with a Holy and Powerful God for ridiculous pleasures of the flesh.

Verses 18 through 20 talks about how there is a delusion among men that God is not real and does not reveal anything about his plans and desires for his people. This short introduction for this section specifically addresses the fact that men blind themselves from a God who has and continues to reveal himself to them. And this is what you find when reading this passage, men are easily deceived and the punishment for turning their back on a Holy God is sometimes letting them succumb to their desires.

“The wrath of God is (“Is” being a very key word) being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men who suppress the truth by their wickedness, since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.”

Verse 21 through the rest of the chapter…

“For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles.

Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen.

Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.

Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done. They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Although they know God's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.”

There are many things I could speak about here… and I’m actually not entirely sure where to begin, but I want to give control over to the Holy Spirit, so that what is said is said in the most clear way possible.

I think that one of the most incredible thing about this, is that is shows how just God is. The greatest case of tough love you will ever find. Repeatedly, over and over again throughout the Bible people forget God, and exchange the Truth for lies… and like a great father, God disciplines them. Sometimes by letting them get what they deserve. And I know from personal experience, that God allowed this to happen to me, so that I may draw closer to him, and live a life that is glorifying to him.

For a very long time, I desired (with a burning lust) to have a relationship with another man, and I didn’t care about the consequences. I just sat and waited for an opportunity to come along… and eventually he did. Going against everything that I had grown up with, all the knowledge that I had gained from the teaching my mom had instituted in me, I got involved. And God let me go, knowing what the outcome would be… a whole lot of pain (for not just me, but many others as well), many sleepless nights of self-hatred and loathing, and unbearable shame… above all else, shame.

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I guess I want to take a moment and say that, while much of this has to do with being sexually impure, it equally deals with what happens in the mind as well. God will hand you over to your reprobate thinking if you don’t turn from it eventually. And I think that it brings God a lot of pain to have to resort to that as his final attempt to get a person or persons to come back to him. But he will do whatever it takes to bring you back… Sadly, many are destroyed in the process…

Matthew 7:13-14 - "Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.”

I must say, if you have managed to read this far into this letter, I hope you are starting to see that there is a lot more going on than just someone’s supposed preference for a particular sex. Especially when dealing with issues such as sexuality, one has to remember that it is not nearly as simple as compartmentalizing it to its own category. It directly affects how I play out the rest of my life, it affects how I relate to people around me, how I go about raising my family, how I see myself as a person, and my relationship with a Holy God who despises sin.

I must say, I have strong feeling about this issue because I have been there, and I know of many who are experiencing this with me… but very much are on their own journeys at the same time. A very lonely journey… I can’t tell you how many people I have talked to, who wish that they didn’t struggle and have to fight with the pain that comes with this kind of stronghold, and it is precisely why I call it a stronghold. My heart bleeds for those who feel that it is just a part of who they are, and see no hope of ever being something different, because it is a lie that if you have a natural tendency toward something, that that defines who you are. God calls people to something greater than that.

I’ve talked with a lot of Christians who struggle and hate this part of themselves because they know it is in direct defiance to God, and I have talked to many people, both Christians and non-Christians, who openly accept it as a part of their lives, engaging in what it has to offer, and consequently are absolutely miserable. I know there are others who engage in it and enjoy it, but for the most part, there are more people looking for a way out than are willing to accept it as a part of their life. I see what happens behind the scenes, a God given gift that allows me insight on people’s lives, and I am drawn to people who have issues such as this to that I may encourage them, and hopefully see them delivered from it. Through the blood of Jesus Christ, who died for each and every single one of us.

I’ve taken several days to put this together… and I hope that it is a complete answer. At least, one that is as complete as I can give at this point… It is really hard because this stronghold affects so much… and those who go through it, need all the encouragement and prayer as they can get.

With much love, prayer, and research,
Matthew Palfenier

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John 10:10 - “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

Philippians 4:8 - “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

1 John 4:4 - “You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.”

Hebrews 2:18 - “Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.”

Galatians 6:1 - “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.”

Ephesians 5:3-4 - “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving.”