As I am patiently waiting to get over to church for tonight's worship team rehearsal, I am uploading a butt load of photos from my Israel trip 07 that I had up at one time, consequently got paranoid of thieving, took them off, and now am re-putting them back up... Such a sad life I lead... XP

OH DUH!!! BIG NEWS: Shelly and Mckenzie's story was on the news a few days ago! Here is the link to the story!!! -------> [link]

OH GOD YOU ARE SO AWESOME!!!

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Oh well, things have been going pretty smoothly over the past few weeks. While constantly checking and modifying my relationship with my Heavenly Father, I am trying to get into the larger swing of things of getting my weekly routines down. Life has been a little crazy...

Mondays I am usually at GBC taking photos and hanging out with people. Normally, I would go to Men's Bible study, but I've been enrolled in a dance studio and now am dancing from 7:30-8:30pm... During that bible study time. XP

Tuesdays I am once again at GBC doing more of the same, but from 4:30-6:30pm I am back at the dance studio.

Wednesdays are less hectic in that I only have Worship Team rehearsals from 7:30-10pm.

Thursday is the day I'm a little peeved about, because for a while we dropped 180 bible study from the schedule, but now it is coming back (AND with both Pastor Gary and his wife Becky teaching)... BUT NOOOO!!! I have dance class during that time... >.< ARGH! Tis be frustrating cause I MISS 180 bible study!

Fridays are still pretty open, 180 kids getting together to hang out when we can, and me just relaxing throughout the day.

Saturday, NOTHING EVER happens. *thumbs up*

And Sunday, the busiest and most amazing day of the week by FAR!!! Whoot! If I had it my way, EVERYDAY would be a Sunday! XD

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We have our 3rd ministry group meeting coming up on the 23rd. Which I am very excited about indeed. And Joe and I are constantly throwing back and forth ideas for the dance ministry that has finally started to roll! There is a lot of talk right now about future mission trips and out reach plans and we are all very excited about it! Toronto, Chicago, New York, Detroit, there are many places on the list, along with some talk of traveling to Mexico and other much farther destinations.

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Oh, and speaking of destinations and the photos that I am uploading currently, I have once again got word that there is a group traveling to Israel this next summer! XD I'm soo stoked! We were supposed to go this summer, but there wasn't enough interest in the class and thus was canceled. But this coming summer, we are on a schedule good to go! Whoot! I am very excited!

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Wow... that turned into more of an update than I was planning... Hehe.

Just a song that has weighed heavy on my heart recently...

"Oh My God" by Jars of Clay

Oh my God, look around this place
Your fingers reach around the bone
You set the break and set the tone
Flights of grace, and future falls
In present pain
All fools say, "Oh my God"

Oh my God, Why are we so afraid?
We make it worse when we don't bleed
There is no cure for our disease
Turn a phrase, and rise again
Or fake your death and only tell your closest friend
Oh my God.

Oh my God, can I complain?
You take away my firm belief and graft my soul upon your grief
Weddings, boats and alibis
All drift away, and a mother cries

Liars and fools; sons and failures
Thieves will always say
Lost and found; ailing wanderers
Healers always say
Whores and angels; men with problems
Leavers always say
Broken hearted; separated
Orphans always say
War creators; racial haters
Preachers always say
Distant fathers; fallen warriors
Givers always say
Pilgrim saints; lonely widows
Users always say
Fearful mothers; watchful doubters
Saviors always say

Sometimes I cannot forgive
And these days, mercy cuts so deep
If the world was how it should be, maybe I could get some sleep
While I lay, I dream we're better,
Scales were gone and faces light
When we wake, we hate our brother
We still move to hurt each other
Sometimes I can close my eyes,
And all the fear that keeps me silent falls below my heavy breathing,
What makes me so badly bent?
We all have a chance to murder
We all feel the need for wonder
We still want to be reminded that the pain is worth the thunder

Sometimes when I lose my grip, I wonder what to make of heaven
All the times I thought to reach up
All the times I had to give
Babies underneath their beds
Hospitals that cannot treat all the wounds that money causes,
All the comforts of cathedrals
All the cries of thirsty children - this is our inheritance
All the rage of watching mothers - this is our greatest offense

Oh my God
Oh my God
Oh my God

THE WORD OF LIFE

"That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we have looked at and our hands have touched — this we proclaim concerning the Word of life. The life appeared; we have seen it and testify to it, and we proclaim to you the eternal life, which was with the Father and has appeared to us. We proclaim to you what we have seen and heard, so that you also may have fellowship with us. And our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son, Jesus Christ. We write this to make our joy complete.

WALKING IN THE LIGHT

"This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.

"If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives."

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As I was reading through this chapter this morning there was so much going on in my head that I didn't really know what to make of it. So, I'm kind of writing this partly to help clear my thinking out... I'm sorry if my thinking is very scattered, but I hope that I can articulate my thoughts as closely and correctly as God allows me to...

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Honestly, I feel more drawn to the second half of the chapter right off the bat. There are a few reasons: First, I was at Men's Bible study on Monday, and our memory verse was this:

"The LORD detests lying lips, but he delights in men who are truthful." ~ Proverbs 12:22

For me personally, a red flag went up the second I read verse 6 of this chapter (1 John), which says: "If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we LIE and DO NOT LIVE BY THE TRUTH."

In the past month or so, this is something that I have been struggling with... and consequently it has been in the forefront of my thinking a lot. I go to my church, fake the part, come home, and live how I wish. Indulging in the world, not reading the Word, not talking with my Father, watching things that make me feel wretched, saying things that I wish not come out of my mouth, dwelling on things that are harmful to my relationship with my Holy God, etc. It's a struggle to live the life I so desire to live, behind the closed doors of home (Nice transition God, thank you).

Secondly, my last journal shared the verse:

"Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says." ~ James 1:22

I chuckle, as I realize that this is also talked about in this chapter of 1 John. It says in verse 8: "If we claim to be without sin, we DECEIVE OURSELVES and the TRUTH is not in us."

This is so interesting to me because on Sunday, we were in Romans Chapter 7 (another book I have referenced often in my journals). This chapter is so vital because it talks about how even Paul struggled with two different natures. The Holy Spirit that comes with the acceptance of God's free gift, and the Sinful, Evil nature that is a result of the fall of Adam. Which of course just translates directly into my life, as if God is saying, *knockknocknock* "Heeeeelllloooooooooo! Got your attention now?"

... So over the past several minutes my thinking has gotten very distracted... *sigh* ... So I'm just gonna stop here for now, and return later to sort out some more...

"Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says." ~ James 1:22

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Simple yet convicting... A powerful verse indeed.

I've been challenged in so many ways this week to not settle for comfort in my walk, to not be the mediocre disciple I sometimes wish to be... NEVER settle, NEVER give up, DO what God says, and LIVE THE LIFE OUT LOUD!

As Chad said tonight, "If you talk the talk, you better walk the walk."

Just taking a chance on being transparent...

I've lived 21 years. In these 21 years of life I have endured a lot. I've been blessed in some very special ways...

Seen the world; 10 countries, 4 continents...
Had a professional career as a vocal musician...
Recorded a minimum of 7 classical CDs...
Been involved in radio and television...
Performed with several world class symphonies...
Was ranked the #1 artist in my high school...
Working in ministry at my church...
Sharing voices with a very godly young woman...
Dancing with a very godly young man...
Has been surrounded by godly people, period...
Saved by the blood of Jesus Christ...

... yet I have endured some of the most vicious evil anyone could face...

Abandonment on two accounts...
Demonic oppression on 3 accounts...
18 years of fighting homo/bisexual tendencies...
Fought serious illness including insanity...
Abused physically and verbally...
Am no longer pure for my future wife...
Am tormented by demons and thoughts...
Fall to addictions of lust and greed...
Am a servant of envy...
Attempted suicide on multiple occasions...

Both of these lists continue on and on... But the most important of any of these:

Saved by the blood of Jesus Christ.

So rarely do I feel my humanness so strong. And it is shocking to me that with all that I have seen, felt, tasted, and smelled, only one could bear that weight... and it isn't me. Nor any man born of Adam... but by a spotless Lamb.

God wants to use, love, protect, have all of me?

The Gentile?
The pagan?
The poor?
The adulterer?
The broken?
The idolater?
The proud?
The shameful?
The weak?
The fallen?

It just makes my heart weep with pain... How could my God, my Daddy (Abba Father), love me so much?

We are all broken... You wanna complain about one who should never have seen the mercy and grace of the One and Holy God... But God sees past the brokenness to see what is useful. When he fixes us, we are made whole. No man can fix what is broken, but I know my Dad can.

I can say I am many things... but this is what I know:

I am fearfully and wonderfully made, knit delicately in the womb, to be a man who's heart breaks for the hurting, whom cries for those in pain, whom wants everyone to feel the hope and peace that only my Dad can give, whom looks past the sin of others and loves unconditionally...

JUST AS MY FATHER HAS LOVED, AND CONTINUES TO LOVE ME... IN WHATEVER STATE I'M IN.

Daddy, NEVER stop loving your people...

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I know I've blogged this song before... but it is all that is holding my heart together right now. I hope it is an encouragement to a certain friend who has endured so much and continues to be so amazingly strong...

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What can take a dying man
And raise him up to life again?
What can heal the wounded soul?
What can make us white as snow?
What can fill the emptiness?
What can mend our brokenness? Brokenness?

Mighty, awesome, wonderful
Is the Holy cross.
Where the Lamb lay down His life
To lift us from the fall.
Mighty is the power of the cross.

What restores our faith in God?
What reveals the Father's love?
What can lead the wayward home?
What can melt a heart of stone?
What can free the guilty ones?
What can save and overcome? Overcome?

Mighty, awesome, wonderful
Is the Holy cross.
Where the Lamb lay down His life
To lift us from the fall.
Mighty is the power of the cross.

It's a miracle to me
It's a miracle to me
It's still a mystery
And it's still a mystery
It's a miracle to me
The power of God
Those who believe

Mighty, awesome, wonderful
Is the Holy cross.
Where the Lamb lay down His life
To lift us from the fall.

Oh and mighty, awesome, wonderful
Is the Holy cross.
Where the Lamb lay down His life
To lift us from the fall.
Mighty is the power of...
Mighty is the power of...
Mighty is the power of the cross.

Thank You for the cross.
Thank You for the cross.
I love the cross.
I love the cross.
It's a powerful cross.

What can take a dying man (thank You Jesus)
And raise him up to life again? (thank You Jesus)
Worship You Jesus (wonderful cross)
By Your wounds we are healed
By Your wounds we are saved

Mighty is the power of the cross (echo)
Mighty is the power of the cross (echo)
Thank You Jesus
For the Holy cross