God is beyond generous in our lives; He, indeed, is the Great Healer, Yahweh Rapha.

I cannot give God enough praise... I'm so finite, I cannot even beat my own heart without him. He is the ultimate example of patience and forgiveness. He is everything to me... and I feel it when I walk away... But there he is, my Daddy, ready to take me back when I return to his arms and his love.

A song that Erika and I are singing for 180 here in the near future... This song is a blessing to me every time I hear it.

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What can take a dying man
And raise him up to life again?
What can heal the wounded soul?
What can make us white as snow?
What can fill the emptiness?
What can mend our brokenness? Brokenness?

Mighty, awesome, wonderful
Is the Holy cross.
Where the Lamb lay down His life
To lift us from the fall.
Mighty is the power of the cross.

What restores our faith in God?
What reveals the Father's love?
What can lead the wayward home?
What can melt a heart of stone?
What can free the guilty ones?
What can save and overcome? Overcome?

Mighty, awesome, wonderful
Is the Holy cross.
Where the Lamb lay down His life
To lift us from the fall.
Mighty is the power of the cross.

It's a miracle to me
It's a miracle to me
It's still a mystery
And it's still a mystery
It's a miracle to me
The power of God
Those who believe

Mighty, awesome, wonderful
Is the Holy cross.
Where the Lamb lay down His life
To lift us from the fall.

Oh and mighty, awesome, wonderful
Is the Holy cross.
Where the Lamb lay down His life
To lift us from the fall.
Mighty is the power of...
Mighty is the power of...
Mighty is the power of the cross.

Thank You for the cross.
Thank You for the cross.
I love the cross.
I love the cross.
It's a powerful cross.

What can take a dying man (thank You Jesus)
And raise him up to life again? (thank You Jesus)
Worship You Jesus (wonderful cross)
By Your wounds we are healed
By Your wounds we are saved

Mighty is the power of the cross (echo)
Mighty is the power of the cross (echo)
Thank You Jesus
For the Holy cross

I'm having a confusing series of retrospects on this gorgeous morning...

Overall point of this journal: God is more than good to me, and I still find myself doing incredibly stupid things...

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Short update one what has been going on over the past 2 weeks.

Sunday the 13th, there was a pretty incredible baptism service at my church. I've only sat in on a few individual baptisms, but never like the service we just had. 39 people were baptized and it was really powerful. My pastor asked me to sing a trio with his wife and himself for it, and I accepted. The song we sang was "Gentle Healer" and it really has served as a reflection of my own testimony. Through that experience, I was asked to be a permanent part of the lead worship team from then on out (which is a real privilege). Chad later pulled me aside and asked me to be apart of the worship team for 180 as well (we are trying to put together a small worship team for just the college group now), which I was also more than happy to help out with. It was a really powerful day, because God was showing me how big he really is when answering prayer. It was very cool.

Tuesday the 15th, was the first day that our ministry group met. Chad (the 180 leader), has arranged a mentoring group for college students in 180 who are looking to go into ministry full time. The group serves as a support and information center where we (the 13 who attended), can start making plans for what God has called us to. We had a short bible study, starting with the group memorizing...

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
~ Jerimiah 29:11.

After that we just went through a short informational time as to what the groups purpose is, and then we went around, got to know everyone individually, and shared what we believe each of our calls are. This is a list of those involved and the ministries each are looking at. (We all need prayer, so if you ever would like to pray for this group, I know we would all appreciate it.)

Tony - Biblical Scholar / Teaching (Unknown age bracket)
Brandon - Traveling Evangelist to the Christian Church
Rachel - Overseas Missions (Unknown) / Children's Ministries (Counselor)
Alex - Unknown
Peter - Biblical Scholar / Teacher (High school)
Jason - Overseas Missions (Asia)
Joe - Performing Arts Ministries (Dance)
Jen - Unknown (is leaning toward women's counseling)
Erika - Performing Arts Ministry (Vocal Music )
Ashley - Overseas Missions (Unknown) / Writing / Pastors Wife
Jamie - Children's Ministries (Counselor) / Worship Team Expansion
Danielle - Counselor / Pastors Wife
Myself - Mixed Media Ministries (emphasis in visual arts) / Performing Arts Ministry (Vocal Music , Dance, Acrobatics) / Fine Arts Ministry (Photography , Video, and Painting)
Chad - Wellspring Staff Member (Pastor's Assistant, 180 Leader, Counselor, Ministry Mentor)

Insert: On both the previous day and on this Tuesday, I got to spend exclusive time with Joe. He really is one of my best friends as of now, and getting the time to just fellowship with him was very much needed. We went to the men's bible study that Monday evening, and sat in on a lesson about Shame. It was pretty tough but it was a great learning time. We had a time where we went running together, also spent part of our time drawing... Joe is a pretty artistic guy, but his dancing is what is going to take him far (as a reflection of his faith anyway). In all, it was nice to spend the countless hours just talking about God and how awesome he is, among the things he is doing in our lives.

On Friday the 18th, we (about 20 from the 180 group) left for a canoing trip. A fun time, almost minus the bible study that night... Chad had us do a very intensive confrontation exercise, where we had to point out our grievances with others within the group, in front of the group! This was incredibly difficult... I mean, it's hard enough to confront people about stuff one on one, and then to do it in front of an entire group of people was a totally different level of intensity. Chad made the purpose very clear: In order to have a tight group that sticks together, there needs to be a level of transparency where we are able to confront others with things and then be able to deal with it rightly... and there was some very scary conversations that came up during this time. Even with all the tension though, God used that time to teach a lot of very valuable lessons. The rest of that trip was a snap.

This Sunday, my dad and step mom came up... Usually, I am pretty freaked about this, but God was very good to me this past Sunday. Neither are Christians, you see... My dad rejected the faith, and I honestly don't have any idea about my step mom... but I've been praying for them for quite some time now... Anyways, I got to just hang with them and talk freely about my plans of ministry, and share some of my faith with them. At the Olive Garden we talked politics and why I'm honestly afraid of Obama , along with any candidate currently running... Blah blah blah. The best part though, was bringing them to church, and having them meet some of the people whom I work with. They were quite impressed and actually seemed happy for the choices that I am making, and they liked the church. They had to leave before I could show them a service or the 180 group, but I know now that there is still hope for them.

Yeah, I know... "short update."

---

So what has me in a fuddle this morning? Well, its that with all of this, example after example of how amazing and overly generous God has been, I'm finding parts of my life are crap... There are certain "secret sins" that have been making their way back into my life... or to put it rather, I'm going and retrieving them from where I dropped them. Seriously... It currently would be easier not to, but I'm making a very hard effort to do the wrong freaking things!? Why on earth would I do this? I have no freaking idea, and it's making me mad!

I know... I'm bored so I'm playing with emoticons... I've been up since 6AM and without a reason!

Philippians 1:6 ~ "...being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

Hebrews 11:1 ~ "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

---

So, God has been really faithful to me the last few days. Over the past week I have had a lot of thinking to sort through; a lot of things to seriously consider. Yet, I have finally got some answers to my questions, and yesterday was really an eye opener to me.

As this coming Tuesday slowly draws near, I have been overwhelmed by doubt. Not in my salvation, not in whither God exists, but in whether or not I can truly be used by God to do any sort of work for him. The enemy has been constantly throwing thoughts into my head that are trying to get me off track and to fall back into sin (which I am making the largest effort possible to get out of my life for good). I have started having stress dreams over a slew of different subjects... Things of the past, things of my present, and things of the future as well... All of which I have been journaling about consistently over the past few days in a notebook. It's been pretty confusing... but I know God is faithful and will continue to lead me through this time of confusion.

I keep thinking, ministry... Full time ministry... Me? I'm going into ministry? Why me? What for? How? Not gonna lie, I've been wanting to backtrack on the decision for quite some time now... but God has been gentle enough to be constantly giving me reminders as to how if I follow through, God will be with me and protect me along the way; I have been reading many biblical stories for confidence and strength:

"The Call of Abram"

Genesis 12:1 ~ The LORD had said to Abram, "Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you."


It was a straight COMMAND from God. "Go to the land I WILL show you." That sentence really irked me... because Abram didn't know before hand as to where he was going... He was just told to go, and in total faith, Abram went.

---

"The Call of Jeremiah"

Jeremiah 1:4-7 ~ The word of the LORD came to me, saying, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."

"Ah, Sovereign LORD," I said, "I do not know how to speak; I am only a child."

But the LORD said to me, "Do not say, 'I am only a child.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the LORD.


Jeremiah's first reaction was, "I can't!" But God's response was, "You can, because I (the LORD, the Creator!) will enable you. So don't tell me you can't. This is a DIRECT COMMAND."

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"The Calling of the First Disciples"

Matthew 18-22 ~ As Jesus was walking beside the Sea of Galilee, he saw two brothers, Simon called Peter and his brother Andrew. They were casting a net into the lake, for they were fishermen. "Come, follow me," Jesus said, "and I will make you fishers of men." At once they left their nets and followed him.

Going on from there, he saw two other brothers, James son of Zebedee and his brother John. They were in a boat with their father Zebedee, preparing their nets. Jesus called them, and immediately they left the boat and their father and followed him.


What amazing faith all these people had. "Follow me." As simple as that... and they followed. To leave your job, your home, your parents, all at the drop of a hat... I am sure there was some crazy conversation that went on during this time...

Zebedee: "Your doing what!?"
John: "We are going to follow that man."
Zebedee: "You're really going to leave our family for that crazy preacher?"

You know what I mean? I have run into this too... My family is excited yet, I feel like, unsure... You know what this means for you right? You're sure you want to do this? Don't do it. Think it through carefully...

---

In all it has come down to this: I have a dream of being an artist, but greater than that, I have the keys to a life worth living! I have a testimony worth sharing because it can show people how GREAT OUR GOD IS!!! And given the chance, EVERYONE needs to hear about it! The Gospel is to important not to share! And using my art as a medium, I intend on sharing the Gospel through it (just as God is using me).

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IMPORTANT*** IF YOU READ NOTHING ELSE READ THIS STORY!!! IT IS JUST WAY TOO COOL NOT TO SHARE!!!

Recently, I read the story of Bezalel and Oholiab (Exodus 31). Until I read this story, I had no idea that there was a whole chapter devoted to the ARTIST! XD This is soooo cool! It says:

Then the LORD said to Moses, "See, I have chosen Bezalel son of Uri, the son of Hur, of the tribe of Judah, and I HAVE FILLED HIM WITH THE SPIRIT OF GOD, WITH SKILL, ABILITY AND KNOWLEDGE IN ALL KINDS OF CRAFTS- to make artistic designs for work in gold, silver and bronze, to cut and set stones, to work in wood, and to ENGAGE IN ALL KINDS OF CRAFTSMANSHIP. Moreover, I have appointed Oholiab son of Ahisamach, of the tribe of Dan, TO HELP HIM. Also I have GIVEN SKILL TO ALL THE CRAFTSMEN to make EVERYTHING I HAVE COMMANDED you: the Tent of Meeting, the ark of the Testimony with the atonement cover on it, and all the other furnishings of the tent- the table and its articles, the pure gold lampstand and all its accessories, the altar of incense, the altar of burnt offering and all its utensils, the basin with its stand- and also the woven garments, both the sacred garments for Aaron the priest and the garments for his sons when they serve as priests, and the anointing oil and fragrant incense for the Holy Place. They are to make them just as I commanded you."

This story was such a blessing to me, because God has a special place for even the craftsmen! Just as God touched Jeremiah's lips, filling him with God's Word and ability to prophesy, God has gifted artists to show God's glory through:

Decoration of the Tabernacle!
The Decoration of the Ark of the Covenant!
The reflection of Creation itself!
And the representation of the one true God!

I've never been sooo enthused, proud (not of my own works but those talents that God has gifted me with), and ultimately blessed in my life to be called an artist!

AND THIS IS WHAT I WANT: TO LIVE FOR GOD, AND USE THESE GIFTS FOR HIS GLORY ALONE!

... *totally silent* ...

I don't know what else to say... I am so pumped right now I can't even explain it!

God, Abba, my Daddy! You deserve ALL the praise, and ALL the honor, and ALL the glory!!! My words are so finite and simple, I could not express it to match even an ounce of you!

You are so good.

Allow this to encourage and ignite a flame in someone else's heart today... This is not for me and my glory... this needs to be about YOUR glory. Humble me and give me correction if this ministry ends up being about "me." Keep this fire burning!

Savior I come
Quiet my soul remember
Redemptions hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

You were as I
Tempted and trialled; human
The word became flesh
Bore my sin and death
Now you're risen
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost

To your heart
To your heart
Lead me to your heart
Lead me to your heart

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Currently, I am still unable to fully articulate what is happening in me... God is talking to me, but I'm not sure exactly what it is about. I'm doing my best to listen, but I'm needing to be patient, listen closely, and get some distractions out of my eye and ear gates... Being honest, I'm a little frustrated, but for reasons I don't quite understand. Even so, God is faithful, and I will wait for whatever it is I'm waiting for...